Well it's really in there!

We had our first prenatal appointment for this pregnancy yesterday. I was so nervous going in there! Especially because I had a dream the night before that I got there, had an ultra sound and they told me that there was no baby.

The nurse and Kathy (my Dr.) were both so excited to see me back again so soon. We did an internal ultrasound and sure enough there is a gestation sac in there, no yolk sac yet but that is most likely because I was exactly 5 weeks and the yolk sac starts developing during the 5th week. She said everything looks great! She also told me she would like to see me every two to three weeks rather than four to five until I am out of my 1st trimester. This way she can keep a close eye on everything and also to give me a sense of relief. I am so happy about this. I am glad she is so concerned with me and being so proactive about it.

I got another wonderful pregnancy care package. This time it included even more goodies than the first time. Including a book to keep track of my thoughts and prenatal appointment, a pacifier, a great selection of prenatal vitamins and tons of great informational sheets and magazines. I also got our first ultrasound on DVD. Yay!

I am slowly getting more and more excited but still preparing myself for the worst.

I am also thinking about picking up meditation. I have the hardest time relaxing and getting things off of my mind. I am hoping this will help with everything as far as my work life, my marriage, my personal life and relaxing during this pregnancy!

Well we did it again!

Yup, thats right we are pregnant.... again. Hopefully this time with a sticky baby!

When I woke up this AM and my temp had jumped .3 degrees Brett insisted that I test ASAP. Doing as any good wife would ;) I listened. At first I couldn't see the second line and for a split second was pretty bummed. Then the second line slowly started to appear. I played it off so well and said "I can't see anything" as I crawled back into bed. Brett took one look at the test and yelled " We did it!" and jumped on top of me while covering me in kisses. I responded with "good job babes" and gave him a high five. No lovely, romantic "we cried and held each other" story (that happened the first time) just a good old high five like he had just won a football game. I loved every second of it though.

We are both on cloud nine. It is such a great feeling! I will admit though that I am scared f'ing shitless. I am trying not to let the fear override the joy, but it is hard. Please stop and say a little prayer that this will be a sticky baby. :)

Here is the picture of the test (a little fuzzy but absolutely a positive) and my first belly shot haha yay for 4w1d belly shots :)

The Shadow Side of Motherhood

Last night while flipping through some magazines that I have collecting dust on my coffee table I came across a very touching article in the May 2008 issue of Redbook. The article was titled The Shadow Side of Motherhood, where seven women share their journeys down the path where motherhood takes a gut-wrenching turn.

As I read the following article out loud to Brett my voice started to break, tears fell and my lips trembled. It was as if I was writing the article myself....

"I lost my first pregnancy — and almost lost myself"
I'd only known I was pregnant for a matter of weeks when the cramping started. Still, What to Expect When You're Expecting was already dog-eared, and my copy of Sears and Sears's The Pregnancy Book looked like it had survived multiple generations of moms-to-be. Miscarriage, however, had been only a footnote in my reading.

I was in bed, and the white sheets beneath me turned red. My husband called the hospital and our obstetrician was paged. My physician, a seasoned veteran, was nonchalant: "Yep, it sounds to me like she's miscarried. Come on in first thing in the morning."

The next day, we returned home from the doctor's office, where they'd confirmed the obvious via ultrasound. The excitement that had hung in the air was replaced by a fuzzy melancholy, and sadness for something lost. My husband tucked me into the couch with a blanket, carefully removing the stack of pregnancy books from the coffee table in front of me. I absently flipped through a catalog, crying when I came across baby clothes I had circled in blue ballpoint. As the intense physical pain faded into lingering depression, this is how I passed my days: I stared into space, lost interest in keeping the house tidy, and sat morosely at the dinner table each night. I felt let down by all the magazines, books, and, worst of all, the other women around me. Why hadn't anyone told me to fear this? Or how profoundly it would hurt, and how the feelings of grief would overwhelm me?

Many months later, my husband came into our bedroom, where I'd been spending most of my time; I slept 10, 12 hours a night, but was always drowsy. He looked over at me, crying, having lost not only the dream of a child but his wife as well. I opened my eyes to see him staring at me, begging, "Baby, come back." Though the child we lost was gone forever, I realized then that it was time for me to return.

It has been quite awhile since I have cried purely due to the loss of our sweetbaby but I sincerely felt exactly what this woman was describing deep down in my heart. I cried for her, for myself and for every person that has ever experienced the loss of a child.

In my case I had no bleeding and had not discovered the loss of my beautiful baby until 2 weeks after his/her heart had already stopped beating but the words she used to discribe how she felt; lost, fuzzy, melancholy, sadness, grief where exactly what I felt. I still remember coming home after what should have been my 11w1d appointment feeling so empty. Everything was hazy and I was waiting for the second that I would wake up from this horrible dream. Well I never woke up and I finally realized this was real life and there was nothing I could do about it.

I felt like I had failed my sweetbaby and my husband. My first job as a mother and I FAILED!

I have come a long way since this horrible experience. I have realized that it was nothing that I did, nothing that Brett did and nothing we could have prevented. Some things are just too perfect for this earth and my sweetbaby was one of those things.

At first I was thinking "I wish I never even picked up that magazine", but now I am glad that I did. I have made some great friends since my miscarriage, girls that have been through what I have and are a great source of support. Reading this article though really gave me a feeling of belonging. I am not the only one that this has happened to and I am not the only one that feels these feelings, they are natural and feeling them only makes me human. My miscarriage has made me who I am and become a part of me just like when you become a mother it becomes a part of who you are. It is a life molding experience that I will never forget.

For anyone reading that has suffered a miscarriage of any sort just remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE! <3

Up up and away!

I dont have much time to write. T minus 2 hours till I go see Sex in the City.

I am 2 days away from AF and the temps are still up and rising. OH HAPPY DAY!! I am really crossing my fingers that this is it for us. I am also very prepared for disappointment.

I am planning on waiting to see if the temps continue to rise and test tomorrow or Monday morning. I do seem to have a peeing on a stick addiction though so this may be a very rough task. Wish me luck!

I want to be 16 again!

It seems that every where I look there is another High School girl knocked up! How do they just happen to accidentally have sex during the (at max) 6 day fertile period and BAM they are pregnant? No if's and's or but's about it. No charting, no stressing, no peeing on expensive ass sticks just to tell you if you might be ovulating. NOTHING!!!

My frustration stems from the fact that I am totally clueless when it comes to knowing what is going on with my body, when in fact I want to know exactly what is going on during every second of every day (something 16 year olds don't give a shit about).

I was so excited when I got a temp drop yesterday in hopes that my temp would jump today and I could see that I am ovulating. Well my temp did jump this morning. Too bad it was the one day that I slept in, so of course Fertility Friend is going to disregard my temp jump. I only slept in 30 freaking minutes... the extra sleep was so not worth the stress of wondering if indeed I am ovulating or not. My only hope now is to watch and hope that my temps stay up. Otherwise it looks like this cycle goes into the garbage. I guess that it is a good thing that Brett and I decided this would be our practice cycle and not get to excited or disappointed.

Blah <--- that is the only way to describe how I am feeling today... just blah!

AF has left the building!

All of my bitching and whining must have done some good. Aunt Flow has been no where in sight for 24 hours now! Its time to make a Dr. appointment and hope to God that all the tissue is gone. Brett and I are ready to make a perfect baby dammit! :)

Aunt Flow go to hell, you are not welcome here anymore!

My excitement for good old Aunt Flow to finally make her appearance lasted about a day or two. I am now onto day 9 and ready to jump off of a bridge at any moment.

Besides the obvious fact that being on your period just blows, you would think that I was 8 months pregnant and my favorite kitty just died or something. I am a complete emotional wreck!! I cried for absolutely nothing last night not once, not twice try about 10 times. I cried because I didn't know why I was crying, I cried when Brett asked me if I wanted a glass of cranberry juice, I looked at myself in the mirror and cried, I cried because I was sick of crying. I literally "cried a river", a river that ran right over Bretts shoulder and down his back. I have never felt a rush of crazy cry baby hormones like I did last night.

Today is a new day and so far a tear free day, but I am not going to guarantee that that statement will be true for the rest of the day. What I need is a nice warm beach and a cold beer.... hey a girl can dream cant she?