Motherly Instinct.

These two words have been in my head for the last three days...not going away no matter what.

A week before the appointment that we heard the horrible news that our Sweetbaby had gone to heaven I remember calling my mom in tears that I knew something was wrong with our baby. I hadn't woke up in the middle of the night to pee in 4 days, I felt great, I got this sudden burst of energy and I felt everything but pregnant. My mother, being a mother told me everything was fine and it was just my emotions. I would see my baby in a week and everything would be great.

I tried to push the thought out of my mind but it was always there in the back. I cried every night for that whole week. I had no other indication that something was wrong other than feeling great.... but I knew it. Everyone I talked to reassured me that it was nerves and everything would be fine. I even called my Dr. office and the nurse told me that I was nearly out of my 1st tri and that was most likely the reason behind me feeling so great.

I remember reading on one of the message boards a girl worrying because she was symptomless and felt great. So many women gave her a hard time and told her she should be glad she feels better and not complain that she had nothing to complain about. Told her this was going to be a long pregnancy for her and everyone around her, yada yada. I look back now and I wish I would of stood up for that girl. I was feeling the same thing but didn't have the balls to admit in fear of looking like an idiot in these "strangers" eyes.

I remember sitting in the Dr. office waiting to get called back. I had a horrible cold, I swear I used every tissue in that office lol. I did not allow myself to get excited to see this baby because I still knew deep down something was wrong. I kept telling Brett and my mom that I was preparing myself for bad news. YOU CAN NEVER EVER PREPARE FOR NEWS LIKE THAT!!!

I got called back, I stepped on the scale, I peed in a cup...all the norm. I undressed and layed on the u/s table. Kathy (my Dr.) came in and started up the u/s machine. I remember I refuse to look at the u/s screen until I heard that heartbeat. I stared up to the corner of the room. I felt Kathy move the u/s wand around, going hmm, well and then it came..... I felt her hand rest on mine and the words came soooo slow "Honey, it doesn't look good." I yelled "I knew it!" We all cried, Kathy excused her self and I layed there in my mom and Bretts arms bawling. I knew this was going to happen but I never thought it would hurt the way it did.

Kathy came back in to the room to discuss the next steps with me. Of course she asked what I meant when I said "I knew it". I explained to her how I had been feeling for the last week and her words were "Motherly instinct, mom really does know best."

Those words have been ringing in the back of my head for the last two days. Part of me wants to think it is my nerves getting to me, being that this has been the longest I have gone with seeing the babe. But the other part of me has a constant worry that something is wrong again. I don't know what it is but I pray to God that I am wrong. I laid in bed talking to God the other night, I asked him that if something was wrong with the baby then to give me a sign. Don't let it come down to having no visual signs of a loss only to see a motionless screen. I begged him that if it had to be a loss to let me know now. I have yet to have any signs so 1)God, knows I will do my job as a mother and carry this baby full term or 2) God isn't listening to me.

Please say a little prayer that this babe is ok and his/her momma is just a crazy worry wort. Please pray that I have no motherly instinct what so ever and that I am wrong about this feeling. Please pray on Thursday that my babe is growing strong.