Take time to hug the ones you love.

I want to share a little story but I must warn that I may ramble a bit. :)

Saturday was just a regular day. I worked in the salon and went to hang out with my mom for a bit until Brett got off work. Brett had been in a bit of an "off" mood that day. I tried to just brush it off and not take it personal, everyone has their down days.

Well getting to the point... Brett and I ended up fighting over something stupid while I was still at my moms and he was on his way home. I didn't feel like going home and dealing with it right then, I figured I would stay a bit longer at my moms and give us both time to cool down. Brett gets home to find that he has no way in the house, he had forgot his garage door opener. He calls and asks me to come let him in. At this point neither one of us had done any sort of cooling off yet, haha. As I am driving home I get a text from Brett saying "Never mind I am just going to stay at my moms." This of course hits a nerve and I am sure I replied with something a bit snarky.

I figure that I will still just go home and go to bed early and hopefully everything will be better in the morning. As I am passing Bretts mothers house (it is on the way) I realized that his truck wasn't in the drive way at the same time that I noticed hundreds (or so it seemed) flashing lights at the busy intersection a few blocks down. I look at the time of the last text message I received and Brett should have been to his moms by now, with lots of time to spare and would have been coming through that very intersection. Of course I panic! As I approach the accident I can see that 2 cars are completely flipped over and another is up on the curb, the police have the entire intersection blocked off and I can't clearly make out what kind of cars they are, but one of the ones flipped over is def. blue..... our truck is BLUE!

I immediately dial Bretts number only for it to ring and ring and finally go to his voicemail. At this point I am a blubbering mess. I could not get home fast enough, as I am driving I am looking at every single car I pass hoping to God that I see Brett. No Brett and no call back!

Finally as I am turning up our street my phone rings and I have never been more excited to see "My Hero" (yes, that is his name in my phone haha) show up on that screen. I answer with a screaming, crying "where are you?!" As I pulled into our drive way I noticed that he was just pulling on to our street, he had gone to the store down the road. I jumped out of my car at the same time he jumped out of his truck, he knew something was wrong at this point but wasn't sure what. Can I just say that I have NEVER hugged Brett so tight in my life!!!

You may be asking "Rachel, what was the point of this story other than you and Brett fight like little children?" Well to this I say.... Don't take anything for granted! Fighting with the ones you love, especially over something stupid is a complete waste of time. You should be making the most of every second you have with that person because you never know when that person will be taken from you! I cannot imagine living with myself knowing that the last conversation I had with Brett didn't even end with an "I love you!"

Well that's it, story time is over. :) I told you I was going to ramble on haha.

PS. We have an appointment to see the babe tomorrow. Yay! I will be sure to update with pictures if we get any good ones. Also I have my GD test, blah. Wish me luck.

Stubborn little guy... just like his daddy!

We had our target u/s today and we were expecting to get a good look at our little buddy but he was not having it. From what we could see everything looks great. According to the Dr. Chaz is measuring a bit big and she wouldn't be surprised if I went a bit earlier than March 16th. She was very surprised at how low he was hanging out but isn't concerned because my cervix seems to be long and closed up. We were able to get an ok face shot with the 3D but not what I was expecting. He was doing everything in his power to prevent us from getting a good look at his cute face.

^If you look closely you can somewhat make out his little face. I think is going to have my little nose but for sure Bretts lips and cheeks. Too cute!

We didn't get a picture but it was so cute in the middle of the u/s he flexed his arm and gave us a great look at his BIG MUSCLES!

Belly pictures!

^ 22 weeks

^24 weeks

Late update. (Baby and Pumpkin carving)

I really am I horrible blogger. ::shrugs:: hey, at least I can admit that I have a problem.

When I left you last I had an appointment the following day. Well, that was well over a week ago haha but here is the update.

Everything looks GREAT. We got some more definate "boy" shots. Yay for our little man. Too bad that and his tush is the only thing he felt like showing off. We didn't get any good shots of him, just his junk... what a little perv. :P

He has been a bouncing bean ever since. Before I would think I felt him move every once in a while but wasn't sure. He has since made it very well known that he is in there and doesn't plan on going anywhere any time soon.

Brett has been getting a bit jealous at the fact that I can feel Chaz kick and he can't, but then again who wouldn't.... I giggle and grin every time I feel him. Brett just never seems to be around when Chaz wants to play "kick mommy".

Well that all changed last night! I had been home sick all day and Chaz refused to let me rest, he wanted to play ALL DAY! I knew that Bretts chance had come so as soon as we got snuggled into bed I told him "Just put your hand on my belly you HAVE to feel something." After about ten times of me going "did you feel that?" with no success Chaz gave us both a big wack! Brett looked at me with HUGE eyes and asked "was that it?" Just so that there was no confusion Chaz gave us one more thump! Brett was over the moon. He kept poking my belly trying to get Chaz to do it again, but it was a lost cause. He was done for the night!

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Here are some late pictures of Brett and I carving pumpkins for Halloween. Brett had to work late on Halloween so my mom came over and we passed out candy. I was a bit disappointed since we didn't get too many trick-or-treaters, the ones we did get were mostly obnoxious teenagers. :( All in all it was a pretty lame Halloween but thats ok next year should be a blast with Chaz!

Here is our attempt at a family picture! Turbo isn't too cooperative when it comes to taking photos but he was loving the fact that he got to be up on the counter. Aren't the pumpkins I painted for the babes soo cute!?

Belly picture time!

Here are some belly pics. I have gone from taking them every 4 weeks to every 2 because this boy is growing like crazy! I love it.

^ 18 weeks. Don't mind the creepy look on my face. I was mid-sentence when my mom snapped the picture.

Here I am at 20 weeks. You may not be able to tell but there is a big difference. If I get brave I may do a bare belly shot soon. Then you can REALLY tell the difference.

Tomorrow is our next appointment. I can't wait to see our little guy! :) Wish us luck.

Today is our Sweetbabys due date.

I love my son with everything that I have. I couldn't imagine life without him growing inside of me right now. I know that if it wasn't for the loss of our Sweetbaby that THIS baby wouldn't be growing inside of me but I still woke up in tears today. As I laid in Bretts arms crying I thought to myself "how can I be crying when I should be happy that our son is nice and safe in my belly" and just now I came across the answer.... because Sweetbaby was MY baby. Because I loved that baby, because I had big plans for that baby and that baby was taken from me!

It is so hard to think how different life would be if I had never lost Sweetbaby. Instead of sitting here writing in my blog I could be out trying every tactic in the book in getting labor started, I could be screaming with labor pains ... hell I could even be holding my Sweetbaby, smothering him/her in kisses. I have accepted that I am not doing any of those thing but it still hurts.

I am so thankful for my wonderful husband, my loving family (especially my AMAZING mom) and all of my great friends (even you nesties). Without all of their support I would not be as strong as I am. I couldn't make it through a single day without knowing you are all rooting for me.

I want my Sweetbaby in Heaven to know that:

I think about you everyday!
I will NEVER forget you.
I thank you for the short months of pure joy that you gave me.
I will make you proud in raising your brother Chaz.
We will be together again in Heaven one day.
I apologize if there was ever a second that you suffered while you were with me.
That I do not blame you or myself for your loss.
You will forever be missed.
Most of all .... Your mommy loves you and always will. As well as your daddy and the rest of your family.

I know my Sweetbaby is in Heaven watching over me and his/her family. I know that he/she wants us to be happy. I know that Sweetbaby told God to send Chaz to me (there is no other explanation as to how my due date is the day before our Sweetbaby went to heaven) and that is what gets me through every day.

I love you Sweetbaby!

Denver and our Anniversary!

When Brett and I got home Friday evening I told him I had an early anniversary gift for him and handed him a home made card I made with the tickets inside.

At first he seemed really confused and just stared at them forever then looked up and at me and said "umm, what are these babe?" I went on to tell him that we were going to Denver for the weekend to see his Bucs play the Broncos. I think he was in shock for a bit and then came the excitement.

This was our first road trip together and I must say it wasn't too bad. We hooked up the navigation system and off we went. It was about a 7 hour drive with all the stops we made, one being a stop at Taco Time to get his dad 2 dozen meat burritos. Yup, that's right... I guess there isn't a Taco Time in Denver and his dad loves the meat burritos from there so we stopped in Green River and picked up 2 dozen per his request. :)

Once we got into town we took his dad his burritos, obviously and joined him, his wife and her daughter for dinner at a hole in the wall steak place that actually ended up being pretty good, I was impressed. Then it was off to bed since GAME DAY was the following day.

When we woke up Brett insisted I go buy a red shirt since I forgot my Bucs t-shirt (yes, I know a Dallas fan owning a Bucs shirt..crazy isn't it). Once we got to the the stadium it was unreal. It truly is an experience of a lifetime. The energy was INSANE. We tailgated for awhile and then made our way through the crowds to the field.

Here are some pictures of Brett and I and his Dad outside Invescofield.

The second we stepped into the stadium Brett was in some sort of trance. For the first 15 minutes of being in our seat he just sat, stared and would throw in a "wow" every once in a while. I let him sit and enjoy his excitement while I melted, it was too damn hot for this pregnant lady! I eventually said screw the red shirt and sat in my white tank with my shoes off and jeans rolled up to my knees... hawt I know!

Sadly, Bretts Bucs lost 13-16 :( he seems to think that means we will need to make another trip to see them win some time soon. To me this means we should just go see the Cowboys since I know they wouldn't disappoint me! :)

That evening we met up with my little brother, his girlfriend Micaela and my nephew Cruz. I haven't seen my brother in over a year and this was the first time meeting Cruz. It was so great to see my little brat. Cruz was too cute to belong to my brother ;) he was such a blast. I didn't even want to eat dinner I just wanted to play with him all night. I am so glad I finally got to meet him and I plan on being in his life alot more than I have been, as well as my brother.

Here are some pictures of the happy family.

Isn't he such a cutie?

The next day we spent a few more hours in Denver. Went to our favorite Chai/Bagel place out there, walked around the mall and headed out. The drive was alot harder back because we left later and had to drive in the dark. Just because it was hard sure in heck doesn't mean it was boring. Have you ever heard two adults sing nursery rhymes... not to children but themselves? Well you would have had a hoot in the car with us, we sang every single one as well as played "I spy" for a good hour or two. It felt good to just goof off and be with eachother. That honestly was the best car ride of my life.

The next day Tuesday October 7th was our 1 year anniversary. Yay for us! We exchanged gifts. I got him a new pen for work with his name ingraved in it as well as a awesome business card holder. I got the most amazing bracelet ever. Here is the stock photo of it. There is two of my favorite pictures of Brett and I in the picture slots as well as our most recent u/s picture and an empty slot to put a picture of Chaz when he arrives. The stones in my bracelet are a diamond and an aquamarine (Bretts and Chazs birthstones) It is amazing! We then went to a family fun center near by and played some mini golf and arcade games. That night we went to Olive Garden and ate way too much food and went home and wrote each other letters about the last year. All in all it was a great anniversary and I couldn't imagine spending it with anyone else. I can't wait until our 2 year!

It's a BOY!

I am a little late on this but Thursday October 2nd Brett and I found out we will be having a wonderful baby boy! Chaz Christopher is measuring right on time and looks great. At first he was being a bit shy and the Dr. thought he was a she but as soon as he heard that he opened his legs right up as if to say "no, no I am not a girl. LOOK!"

We are over the moon to have our very own little running back! Daddy doesn't refer to him as Chaz he is "my little man" instead, which I love. :) It makes it so real to know that I am growing my son inside of me rather than just an "it".

We have BIG plans for our little boy and can't wait till we get to meet him.

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Brett and I just celebrated our 1 year anniverary yesterday. I can't believe it has been a whole year already. I suprised him with a trip to Denver to see his Bucs play the Broncos. It was so much fun and I will be sure to update with more info and pictures tomorrow! :)

Motherly Instinct.

These two words have been in my head for the last three days...not going away no matter what.

A week before the appointment that we heard the horrible news that our Sweetbaby had gone to heaven I remember calling my mom in tears that I knew something was wrong with our baby. I hadn't woke up in the middle of the night to pee in 4 days, I felt great, I got this sudden burst of energy and I felt everything but pregnant. My mother, being a mother told me everything was fine and it was just my emotions. I would see my baby in a week and everything would be great.

I tried to push the thought out of my mind but it was always there in the back. I cried every night for that whole week. I had no other indication that something was wrong other than feeling great.... but I knew it. Everyone I talked to reassured me that it was nerves and everything would be fine. I even called my Dr. office and the nurse told me that I was nearly out of my 1st tri and that was most likely the reason behind me feeling so great.

I remember reading on one of the message boards a girl worrying because she was symptomless and felt great. So many women gave her a hard time and told her she should be glad she feels better and not complain that she had nothing to complain about. Told her this was going to be a long pregnancy for her and everyone around her, yada yada. I look back now and I wish I would of stood up for that girl. I was feeling the same thing but didn't have the balls to admit in fear of looking like an idiot in these "strangers" eyes.

I remember sitting in the Dr. office waiting to get called back. I had a horrible cold, I swear I used every tissue in that office lol. I did not allow myself to get excited to see this baby because I still knew deep down something was wrong. I kept telling Brett and my mom that I was preparing myself for bad news. YOU CAN NEVER EVER PREPARE FOR NEWS LIKE THAT!!!

I got called back, I stepped on the scale, I peed in a cup...all the norm. I undressed and layed on the u/s table. Kathy (my Dr.) came in and started up the u/s machine. I remember I refuse to look at the u/s screen until I heard that heartbeat. I stared up to the corner of the room. I felt Kathy move the u/s wand around, going hmm, well and then it came..... I felt her hand rest on mine and the words came soooo slow "Honey, it doesn't look good." I yelled "I knew it!" We all cried, Kathy excused her self and I layed there in my mom and Bretts arms bawling. I knew this was going to happen but I never thought it would hurt the way it did.

Kathy came back in to the room to discuss the next steps with me. Of course she asked what I meant when I said "I knew it". I explained to her how I had been feeling for the last week and her words were "Motherly instinct, mom really does know best."

Those words have been ringing in the back of my head for the last two days. Part of me wants to think it is my nerves getting to me, being that this has been the longest I have gone with seeing the babe. But the other part of me has a constant worry that something is wrong again. I don't know what it is but I pray to God that I am wrong. I laid in bed talking to God the other night, I asked him that if something was wrong with the baby then to give me a sign. Don't let it come down to having no visual signs of a loss only to see a motionless screen. I begged him that if it had to be a loss to let me know now. I have yet to have any signs so 1)God, knows I will do my job as a mother and carry this baby full term or 2) God isn't listening to me.

Please say a little prayer that this babe is ok and his/her momma is just a crazy worry wort. Please pray that I have no motherly instinct what so ever and that I am wrong about this feeling. Please pray on Thursday that my babe is growing strong.

10 and 14 week belly pics!

I am a total blog slacker but here are some belly pictures! Yay.

^10 weeks

^14 weeks

I am finally starting to round out a bit rather than just looking like I have had one too many donuts! :)

I promise to update soon with a bit more info of everything going on!

::sigh of relief::

Our 12w3d week appointment was today and we have ten little finger, ten little toes and a nice strong heartbeat. Yay!

I promised Brett and mostly myself that after this appointment I would stop being such a worry wart and enjoy this pregnancy. I have yet to fully embrace this pregnancy and this sweet joy growing inside of me but today put alot of worries I had to rest.

The appointment:

Today was my first sono taken from the outside of my belly rather than internally. We didn't get a great view and could barely hear/see the heartbeat. Kathy (my wonderful Dr.) said that there was no way she was letting me leave with even a bit of doubt so we decided to do an internal. Sure enough there was a strong heartbeat of 161 bpm ::sigh of relief:: I must say we have a wiggly one... as well as stubborn (like his/her daddy) this baby didn't want us to see it for anything. We got some GREAT shots though.

The Dr. tried to guess the sex but she said it was a bit to early, I figured so. We will be finding out at our next appointment on October 2nd though, that is if the babe is being cooperative. Kathy did get a shot of what would be a great "money shot" if the sex was noticable. Brett has been studying the pic since we left and keeps saying "I think I see two testicles" haha..... wishful thinking at it's best.

Thank you for everyones support up until this point! I really need the encouraging word and vibes. :) Yay for Little B growing away.

Well it's really in there!

We had our first prenatal appointment for this pregnancy yesterday. I was so nervous going in there! Especially because I had a dream the night before that I got there, had an ultra sound and they told me that there was no baby.

The nurse and Kathy (my Dr.) were both so excited to see me back again so soon. We did an internal ultrasound and sure enough there is a gestation sac in there, no yolk sac yet but that is most likely because I was exactly 5 weeks and the yolk sac starts developing during the 5th week. She said everything looks great! She also told me she would like to see me every two to three weeks rather than four to five until I am out of my 1st trimester. This way she can keep a close eye on everything and also to give me a sense of relief. I am so happy about this. I am glad she is so concerned with me and being so proactive about it.

I got another wonderful pregnancy care package. This time it included even more goodies than the first time. Including a book to keep track of my thoughts and prenatal appointment, a pacifier, a great selection of prenatal vitamins and tons of great informational sheets and magazines. I also got our first ultrasound on DVD. Yay!

I am slowly getting more and more excited but still preparing myself for the worst.

I am also thinking about picking up meditation. I have the hardest time relaxing and getting things off of my mind. I am hoping this will help with everything as far as my work life, my marriage, my personal life and relaxing during this pregnancy!

Well we did it again!

Yup, thats right we are pregnant.... again. Hopefully this time with a sticky baby!

When I woke up this AM and my temp had jumped .3 degrees Brett insisted that I test ASAP. Doing as any good wife would ;) I listened. At first I couldn't see the second line and for a split second was pretty bummed. Then the second line slowly started to appear. I played it off so well and said "I can't see anything" as I crawled back into bed. Brett took one look at the test and yelled " We did it!" and jumped on top of me while covering me in kisses. I responded with "good job babes" and gave him a high five. No lovely, romantic "we cried and held each other" story (that happened the first time) just a good old high five like he had just won a football game. I loved every second of it though.

We are both on cloud nine. It is such a great feeling! I will admit though that I am scared f'ing shitless. I am trying not to let the fear override the joy, but it is hard. Please stop and say a little prayer that this will be a sticky baby. :)

Here is the picture of the test (a little fuzzy but absolutely a positive) and my first belly shot haha yay for 4w1d belly shots :)

The Shadow Side of Motherhood

Last night while flipping through some magazines that I have collecting dust on my coffee table I came across a very touching article in the May 2008 issue of Redbook. The article was titled The Shadow Side of Motherhood, where seven women share their journeys down the path where motherhood takes a gut-wrenching turn.

As I read the following article out loud to Brett my voice started to break, tears fell and my lips trembled. It was as if I was writing the article myself....

"I lost my first pregnancy — and almost lost myself"
I'd only known I was pregnant for a matter of weeks when the cramping started. Still, What to Expect When You're Expecting was already dog-eared, and my copy of Sears and Sears's The Pregnancy Book looked like it had survived multiple generations of moms-to-be. Miscarriage, however, had been only a footnote in my reading.

I was in bed, and the white sheets beneath me turned red. My husband called the hospital and our obstetrician was paged. My physician, a seasoned veteran, was nonchalant: "Yep, it sounds to me like she's miscarried. Come on in first thing in the morning."

The next day, we returned home from the doctor's office, where they'd confirmed the obvious via ultrasound. The excitement that had hung in the air was replaced by a fuzzy melancholy, and sadness for something lost. My husband tucked me into the couch with a blanket, carefully removing the stack of pregnancy books from the coffee table in front of me. I absently flipped through a catalog, crying when I came across baby clothes I had circled in blue ballpoint. As the intense physical pain faded into lingering depression, this is how I passed my days: I stared into space, lost interest in keeping the house tidy, and sat morosely at the dinner table each night. I felt let down by all the magazines, books, and, worst of all, the other women around me. Why hadn't anyone told me to fear this? Or how profoundly it would hurt, and how the feelings of grief would overwhelm me?

Many months later, my husband came into our bedroom, where I'd been spending most of my time; I slept 10, 12 hours a night, but was always drowsy. He looked over at me, crying, having lost not only the dream of a child but his wife as well. I opened my eyes to see him staring at me, begging, "Baby, come back." Though the child we lost was gone forever, I realized then that it was time for me to return.

It has been quite awhile since I have cried purely due to the loss of our sweetbaby but I sincerely felt exactly what this woman was describing deep down in my heart. I cried for her, for myself and for every person that has ever experienced the loss of a child.

In my case I had no bleeding and had not discovered the loss of my beautiful baby until 2 weeks after his/her heart had already stopped beating but the words she used to discribe how she felt; lost, fuzzy, melancholy, sadness, grief where exactly what I felt. I still remember coming home after what should have been my 11w1d appointment feeling so empty. Everything was hazy and I was waiting for the second that I would wake up from this horrible dream. Well I never woke up and I finally realized this was real life and there was nothing I could do about it.

I felt like I had failed my sweetbaby and my husband. My first job as a mother and I FAILED!

I have come a long way since this horrible experience. I have realized that it was nothing that I did, nothing that Brett did and nothing we could have prevented. Some things are just too perfect for this earth and my sweetbaby was one of those things.

At first I was thinking "I wish I never even picked up that magazine", but now I am glad that I did. I have made some great friends since my miscarriage, girls that have been through what I have and are a great source of support. Reading this article though really gave me a feeling of belonging. I am not the only one that this has happened to and I am not the only one that feels these feelings, they are natural and feeling them only makes me human. My miscarriage has made me who I am and become a part of me just like when you become a mother it becomes a part of who you are. It is a life molding experience that I will never forget.

For anyone reading that has suffered a miscarriage of any sort just remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE! <3

Up up and away!

I dont have much time to write. T minus 2 hours till I go see Sex in the City.

I am 2 days away from AF and the temps are still up and rising. OH HAPPY DAY!! I am really crossing my fingers that this is it for us. I am also very prepared for disappointment.

I am planning on waiting to see if the temps continue to rise and test tomorrow or Monday morning. I do seem to have a peeing on a stick addiction though so this may be a very rough task. Wish me luck!

I want to be 16 again!

It seems that every where I look there is another High School girl knocked up! How do they just happen to accidentally have sex during the (at max) 6 day fertile period and BAM they are pregnant? No if's and's or but's about it. No charting, no stressing, no peeing on expensive ass sticks just to tell you if you might be ovulating. NOTHING!!!

My frustration stems from the fact that I am totally clueless when it comes to knowing what is going on with my body, when in fact I want to know exactly what is going on during every second of every day (something 16 year olds don't give a shit about).

I was so excited when I got a temp drop yesterday in hopes that my temp would jump today and I could see that I am ovulating. Well my temp did jump this morning. Too bad it was the one day that I slept in, so of course Fertility Friend is going to disregard my temp jump. I only slept in 30 freaking minutes... the extra sleep was so not worth the stress of wondering if indeed I am ovulating or not. My only hope now is to watch and hope that my temps stay up. Otherwise it looks like this cycle goes into the garbage. I guess that it is a good thing that Brett and I decided this would be our practice cycle and not get to excited or disappointed.

Blah <--- that is the only way to describe how I am feeling today... just blah!

AF has left the building!

All of my bitching and whining must have done some good. Aunt Flow has been no where in sight for 24 hours now! Its time to make a Dr. appointment and hope to God that all the tissue is gone. Brett and I are ready to make a perfect baby dammit! :)

Aunt Flow go to hell, you are not welcome here anymore!

My excitement for good old Aunt Flow to finally make her appearance lasted about a day or two. I am now onto day 9 and ready to jump off of a bridge at any moment.

Besides the obvious fact that being on your period just blows, you would think that I was 8 months pregnant and my favorite kitty just died or something. I am a complete emotional wreck!! I cried for absolutely nothing last night not once, not twice try about 10 times. I cried because I didn't know why I was crying, I cried when Brett asked me if I wanted a glass of cranberry juice, I looked at myself in the mirror and cried, I cried because I was sick of crying. I literally "cried a river", a river that ran right over Bretts shoulder and down his back. I have never felt a rush of crazy cry baby hormones like I did last night.

Today is a new day and so far a tear free day, but I am not going to guarantee that that statement will be true for the rest of the day. What I need is a nice warm beach and a cold beer.... hey a girl can dream cant she?

"Hello" to my new beginning.

Although I will never be "over" my sweet baby lost at 11 weeks, I have finally realized that life must go on. I must accept that what happened happened for a reason (a reason that I may never know) and that it has made me stronger as a person and the bond with my husband so much stronger.

Before yesterday if you would have asked me about my feelings of trying to conceive again, you would see that I was hopeful but extremely doubtful. After a D&C at 11w1d I thought to myself "Okay it is what it is, I will jump right back on the trying to conceive bandwagon and make this happen". I went to my follow up appointment with so much excitement because I knew that after this all I needed was one menstrual cycle before I had the okay from my Dr. to start trying again. Well lets just say I left that appointment feeling everything but excitement. The Dr. was concerned because I still had a very good amount of tissue remaining :( I was given a 24hour prescription to take every six hours, I was also told that I would have major cramping and bleeding. Oh lucky freaking me!

Fast forward 3 days, a Friday I had left work early to begin taking the prescription. Gulp!! Down goes the first pill. Three hours go by and well...... nothing! Is this a good sign? bad sign? I decide to be patient and give it time. Well the 3 more hours go by and I am on to my second pill but still NOTHING! Are you starting to see a pattern? Well lets just say 24 hours and 4 pills later. No cramping and no bleeding! My mind goes crazy....

"Is my body broken"
"Did she give me the wrong meds"
"I am I going to die"
"How funny would it be if she accidentally gave me viagra" <---- I was trying to lighten my self conscience mood :) You can only imagine how my next appointment went.... I had no bleeding so I was already pretty sure I hadn't lost any tissue, of course the Dr. confirmed this and suggested that I get another D&C to prevent infection and get the ball rolling. I wanted to scream "You guys are professionals, when you dig inside someones uterus you need to make sure you do it right the first time!" Of course being me I kept my mouth shut and put on a cheesy smile just nodding my head. After speaking with another Dr. my Dr. decided that it would probably be best to allow my body to try and have period on its own first and then check to see if possibly the tissue passed on its own. Oh thank the lord!!! I honestly never thought that my period would come! I heard stories of women that didn't get their period till over 60 days after their D&C. I am sorry but I do not think I have the strength for that! My hat goes off to you girls. Well I must say for once in a long time I loved my body! Monday May 5th I had what appeared to be my period!!! Of course I doubted myself and was convinced it was just midcycle spotting and my evil body fooling with me. I called the Dr. she said that if it is steady flow for more than 3 days it is considered a period. Well ladies and gentlemen say hello to the 4th day! My husband and I for once in a great while feel so hopeful and relieved! I never thought I would accept my period with open arms and a smile on my face! So this is the story of how I came to the realization that I cannot control what god has in store for me and that I should accept it and learn from it. I am now crossing my fingers that my next appointment goes well and I can try for that little bundle of joy my husband and I dream about. (My shout out to sweetpea7628 for inspiring me to blog :) )